Finding the Track….AGAIN

June 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

I wish I had some good explanation for why I so severely keep falling off of the wagon. I can blame work, I can blame being short on money, I can blame my social life. But really, the only thing (or person) to blame is simply myself. I know it’s possible to eat healthy when I’m short on time or money. I also know going to parties doesn’t mean I need to eat one of everything that is on the buffet table. And speaking of being short on money, it would be more helpful to be able to squeeze into last summer’s clothes than have to buy new ones…so I need to get the weight off for that if for nothing else!

In all seriousness, I’m due back at the doctor in August and I was told in February I had to get my weight and blood pressure down or else (he even brought up bariatric surgery and I almost died). It’s now the middle of June and my weight and blood pressure have pretty much stayed the same. If I don’t get this under control, I’m at the very least going to need put on medication for high blood pressure – and that isn’t something I ever imagined having to take at the ripe old age of 27.

I know I won’t ever like dieting, and I know I won’t ever like beating my body up the gym. But you know what I do like? Being alive and being able to do things. I always said I would never hover near that 260 mark again, and I have now for quite a long time. Hell, I said I’d never weigh over 200 again when I finally broke that milestone two years ago. I need to figure out why no matter how much I eat, I never get full. I don’t know if its because I’m used to eating so much, or because there is something more sinister going on (my best friend suggested I see an endocrinologist because I may have metabolic syndrome).

I just know I have to do something. I hate feeling like a failure (and I hate having a closet full of cute clothes I can’t fit my fat ass into).

Off the Wagon…Again

June 11, 2011 § Leave a comment

I have a hard time staying on track and being disciplined when things are good let alone when they’re bad. Throw in an unhealthy dose of stress, depression, and loneliness with a dash of insomnia and you can pretty much guarantee I’ll spin totally out of control.

I’m pretty much a mess.

I can’t remember the last day I’ve been to the gym. I got discouraged because no matter what I did my knees would hurt so bad I’d be in misery and kept awake at night. I quit the 30 Day Shred because after 10 days it still put my knees in agony and I still couldn’t get thru level one without skipping half the cardio and getting cramps in my feet. I’ve been eating candy and fast food and butter and cheese covered everything. Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts? Yes. I’ve been drinking those sugar filled concoctions too.

No matter how much I put in, I never get full.

I’ve worked 20 hours of overtime this week alone. I’ve been blindsided by being lonely and homesick after leaving the nest in April. I’m disgusted I saw my fiancĂ© more before we moved in together than I see him now. I’ve never been so lonely and fragile in all of my life.

I can’t sleep and either grossly overeat or forget to eat at all. I stay in bed way too late and get nothing done. I feel like an absolute slug.

All I wanna do is sleep and cry and shove my face with junk food. I’m back to sneaking junk and inhaling it when nobody is looking then beating myself up and repeating the cycle all over.

Everything is spiraling out of control.

Super Lazy

June 8, 2011 § Leave a comment

Sometimes I cannot believe just how lazy I am. How long does it take to form a habit? Two weeks they say? I made it to ten consecutive days of working out and now I haven’t gotten up off my ass in days. Every day I find an excuse not to Shred or not to go to the gym. I’m kicking myself but I haven’t done anything to change it. I just keep making excuses. Ugh. Why can’t I care about myself enough to stop letting me sabotage myself?

I was craving something sweet last night, so I made an Oreo cream pie. I tried to make it a little bit healthier with 1% milk and lite Cool Whip. I must say, it tastes exactly the same as the full fat version. At least I’m still making these smart substitutes!!! I kind of screwed myself this past week by not buying enough decent food last time we were at the grocery store. I’m out of healthy things to eat and also out of money until pay day on Friday. I really need to make sure to buy enough food to get me thru from now on.

I’m also promising to buy myself Wii Fit this pay day for my Wii. I love playing Wii, so maybe Wii Fit will cure some of my laziness with the working out thing. I’ve never played with the Wii Fit, but lots of people seem to like it. If anyone has any info or advice about it, I’d love to hear it!

In other news, spent today at the pool with the future hubby and my best friend. Worked on my tan, sunburned my face…but I’m not in near as bad shape as my poor pale Irish fiancee. He’s passed out on the couch nursing his sunburned arms, legs, shoulders and chest. I tried to get him to wear my sun screen. He wouldn’t listen!!! We did actually get to have a nice dinner – stuffed shells with meat sauce and garlic bread. Now my world’s noisiest dishwasher is cleaning up the aftermath while my world’s noisiest washing machine cleans his clothes. Too bad it’s our only night off together and he’s unconscious. Go figure.

Weigh-in Two

June 6, 2011 § Leave a comment

Yesterday was the 2nd weigh-in on this particular weight loss journey. I expected a gain after eating rather piggish at two different events/parties this past week. I also hardly worked out because it’s been killing my knees (hoping that someday stops).

Despite all these factors, I managed to lose 0.6 pounds. Not a huge loss, but it’s still a loss. As for that I can’t really complain.

I just wish I wasn’t so hungry all the time when I actually stuck to the plan. I try to eat fiber and protein and drink lots of water to feel more full, but it isn’t working. Ugh.

Let’s see what this week brings.

Back On Track

June 1, 2011 § 1 Comment

After a really bad eating day Monday and forgetting to eat for the majority of yesterday, I’m getting back on track today. I went to the gym and got some cardio in (after a good breakfast of course) and have tracked all food and activity today so far.

I was kind of bummed because the shorts I wanted to wear tonight are way too small, but instead of pigging out like I would normally do to make myself feel better, I’m going to try to make fitting into them this summer a goal. Well, they’re not way to small — they’re like one size too small. Maybe being able to wear them by the 4th of July is a reasonable goal?

We went grocery shopping last night and didn’t buy any junk food. Lots of fruit and fresh veggies. Cereal, yogurt, whole grain bread, turkey sausage, blah blah blah. We did got to the Olive Garden for dinner last night but I made sure to only eat half of my meal and save the other half for lunch today. Usually I gorge myself and grossly overeat there, but I didn’t! Hooray for non-scale victories.

Tonight, my best girl and I are headed to Cirque de Soleil TOTEM. I’ve never seen Cirque so I’m super excited. She’s making us some sort of yummy dinner first, she’s an awesome cook, can’t wait.

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