July 10, 2011 § Leave a comment
My lack of posting here has directly coincided with my lack of tracking my eating and lack of doing any physical activity. I apparently like to pay for a Weight Watchers membership and a gym membership I don’t use when money is tight anyway.
AM I A FREAKIN’ IDIOT? Sometimes I wonder.
In all seriousness – my doctor told me in February he’d see me again in August. He also told me to get my weight and my blood pressure down or else we’d be talking bariatric surgery. Umm, it’s July. I’ve gained weight. My blood pressure is still sky high. Someone please tell me why I just can’t seem to take my body and my health seriously? (Though if you ask my mother, she thinks I should just have the surgery…but that’s a whole different conversation.)
My whole goal was to lose weight so I wasn’t a fat bride. The talk of now probably not having a traditional wedding probably hasn’t helped my efforts (nor has the stress of trying to figure out what our wedding should be with no input from my future husband). Maybe I need another goal. Maybe I need to lose weight just so I’m not a fat person, bride or not.
(Maybe I just need to change the name of the blog and my whole reasoning for wanting to drop the weight? I don’t know.)
June 19, 2011 § Leave a comment
I wish I had some good explanation for why I so severely keep falling off of the wagon. I can blame work, I can blame being short on money, I can blame my social life. But really, the only thing (or person) to blame is simply myself. I know it’s possible to eat healthy when I’m short on time or money. I also know going to parties doesn’t mean I need to eat one of everything that is on the buffet table. And speaking of being short on money, it would be more helpful to be able to squeeze into last summer’s clothes than have to buy new ones…so I need to get the weight off for that if for nothing else!
In all seriousness, I’m due back at the doctor in August and I was told in February I had to get my weight and blood pressure down or else (he even brought up bariatric surgery and I almost died). It’s now the middle of June and my weight and blood pressure have pretty much stayed the same. If I don’t get this under control, I’m at the very least going to need put on medication for high blood pressure – and that isn’t something I ever imagined having to take at the ripe old age of 27.
I know I won’t ever like dieting, and I know I won’t ever like beating my body up the gym. But you know what I do like? Being alive and being able to do things. I always said I would never hover near that 260 mark again, and I have now for quite a long time. Hell, I said I’d never weigh over 200 again when I finally broke that milestone two years ago. I need to figure out why no matter how much I eat, I never get full. I don’t know if its because I’m used to eating so much, or because there is something more sinister going on (my best friend suggested I see an endocrinologist because I may have metabolic syndrome).
I just know I have to do something. I hate feeling like a failure (and I hate having a closet full of cute clothes I can’t fit my fat ass into).
June 6, 2011 § Leave a comment
Yesterday was the 2nd weigh-in on this particular weight loss journey. I expected a gain after eating rather piggish at two different events/parties this past week. I also hardly worked out because it’s been killing my knees (hoping that someday stops).
Despite all these factors, I managed to lose 0.6 pounds. Not a huge loss, but it’s still a loss. As for that I can’t really complain.
I just wish I wasn’t so hungry all the time when I actually stuck to the plan. I try to eat fiber and protein and drink lots of water to feel more full, but it isn’t working. Ugh.
Let’s see what this week brings.
June 1, 2011 § 1 Comment
After a really bad eating day Monday and forgetting to eat for the majority of yesterday, I’m getting back on track today. I went to the gym and got some cardio in (after a good breakfast of course) and have tracked all food and activity today so far.
I was kind of bummed because the shorts I wanted to wear tonight are way too small, but instead of pigging out like I would normally do to make myself feel better, I’m going to try to make fitting into them this summer a goal. Well, they’re not way to small — they’re like one size too small. Maybe being able to wear them by the 4th of July is a reasonable goal?
We went grocery shopping last night and didn’t buy any junk food. Lots of fruit and fresh veggies. Cereal, yogurt, whole grain bread, turkey sausage, blah blah blah. We did got to the Olive Garden for dinner last night but I made sure to only eat half of my meal and save the other half for lunch today. Usually I gorge myself and grossly overeat there, but I didn’t! Hooray for non-scale victories.
Tonight, my best girl and I are headed to Cirque de Soleil TOTEM. I’ve never seen Cirque so I’m super excited. She’s making us some sort of yummy dinner first, she’s an awesome cook, can’t wait.
May 28, 2011 § Leave a comment
One thing I find it difficult to resist is Chinese food. We don’t order it very often at work but when we do, I always need to get on the order. Today I made a smarter menu choice.
Instead of my typical quart of chicken low mein or General Tso’s chicken with an egg roll or two and some Won Ton soup…I ordered steamed dumplings, a pint of chicken and broccoli and steamed plain rice.
Yes, I even tracked it in Weight Watchers. My points reset tomorrow and I have 20 some weekly points and 50 activity points left that I haven’t eaten. I’ve also for the first time managed to each and every day eat at least my daily points target. And I’ve done it by eating 3 meals and 2 snacks every day. I’ve been drinking my water and eating fruits and vegetables.
I hate to toot my own horn but I’m kind of proud of myself.
May 27, 2011 § Leave a comment
May 27, 2011 § 1 Comment
That’s a scary number. It’s a number I said I would never see on the scale. It’s especially sad when I worked by butt off (literally) three years ago to drop from 258 to 199 pounds. What made me do it in the first place was getting stuck —- yes, stuck — in a hospital cafeteria chair. I was working as an EMT at the time and my Paramedic partner not only laughed so hard that he almost quit breathing, he felt the need to describe the humiliating incident to all of our coworkers. So, there stopped my inhaling Mt. Dew by the gallon, eating fast food almost daily at work, and forgetting to eat my vegetables.
In February 2009, I was introduced to my future husband. We went out to eat, a lot. Mainly because he didn’t cook, and his kitchen was kind of crappy and small and I was kind of lazy. He also hated that I smoked, so I quit smoking (yay me!). In August of that year, I started my current job as a 9-1-1 dispatcher. I weighed 206 pounds when I started there. I could fit into a size 18 without sucking it in. Yeah, I was chubby, but considering where I came from, I thought I still had it under control. Obviously I was wrong.
In February of this year, my doctor got serious. My blood pressure was up in the 130s over 90s range when I had always been the 110/70 person. My weight sky rocketed. My doctor started talking about scary things like hypertension and diabetes and sleep apnea and gastric bypass surgery. For some reason, I never really got it thru my head that I indeed was that morbidly obese.
I started looking at pictures, and I started noticing that usually I was the biggest one in the group. Be it a picture of me and my future hubby with my future sister-and-brother-in-law or a picture of me with a group of friends. It didn’t matter where the picture was taken or what I was wearing. I was always the roundest shape in the picture. I get winded walking from my front door of my townhouse around the corner of the building and up 1 set of stairs to the lot where my car is parked. I fill a bath tub from wall-to-wall if I try and take a bath. I’m never comfortable in bed, my hips and back always hurt, and it makes it really difficult to get much restful sleep. Every step I take hurts my knees. A large men’s t-shirt is skin tight on my upper arms. Sunday night, I bent down to pick something up when I walked in my front door and heard a “ping” — it was the button off of my size 22 work uniform pants flying across the room.
In 2013, I’m marrying a guy with a 34″ waist who thinks he’s fat because it was only 32″ when we met. I’ve probably got 80 pounds on him when he’s 4″ taller than I am. I know he loves me either way, but I feel like we both deserve better. I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to die. I have a very stressful job. Combine that with my weight and the track I’m on, a heart attack or a stroke is pretty much a guarantee. Not to mention I hate being uncomfortable all the time. It’s hard to move around and do things. I’m 27 years old. I shouldn’t be like an old lady with bad arthritis. This past Sunday, I weighed in with Weight Watchers for the first time in a long time (at a staggering 261 pounds). Today will be my 8th day of Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred. I also plan on completing the couch5k program on my iPhone. I need someone to keep me accountable and not let me give up. I can’t make excuses for myself anymore.
And I will not be wearing a plus size wedding dress on my big day in 2013.